Sometimes I just think about doing a job where what I do wouldn't make a difference. Where I could file papers away just as easily as I would leave my job when I clock out. 

Instead I carry my job with me wherever I go. Right now it's hours after I've been done for the day and it's well past the time I meant to fall asleep. And yet here I am going over details and data and retracing my steps. Was I proactive? Did I word that the best I could? Are the new changes effective? Why didn't I see that coming? How could I have prevented it? What do I need to differently? Maybe I should've done this? What can I change about my response for the future?....

8 hours of my life consume me. 

And all of this is nothing compared to the struggle of the lives I serve. I replay the day because it's a job to me but it's their life. It's their whole 24 hours, 7 days a week, 365 days a year for the rest of their lives. They don't get the luxury of laying in bed at night processing decisions and coming to conclusions. My job is their life. My stress and joy and tears are someone's struggle to get through the day. 

I am someone's voice and I hate when I fail them. 

Slowly but surely. Right?

I feel like some relief will come soon.  Things are on the table. I feel like I can be an advocate again.  Its a good feeling.

I feel like if my job is off kilter everything else in my world comes crashing down.  I feel so bad for the people I care for; especially Shane.  He's so supportive. I can't wait for March.

Just an update

My supervisors called me on friday...they assured me that they have my back and told me countless times not to worry.  Obviously my stress level has been noted. Its good to know they didn't ignore it and tried to assure me.

I have been obsessed with Imagine Dragons, On Top of the World.

And I know it’s hard when you’re falling down
And it’s a long way up when you hit the ground
Get up now, get up, get up now.

I'm just gonna keep on smiling. I'm determined to find what I lost.


On a different note. I can hardly wait for March 8th 2014

I had a horrible migraine on Tuesday and one of my supervisors covered one of my kids.  No questions asked; in fact he insisted I go home. It was nice to feel that supported.  I guess it helped that I got sick all over the Asst. Principals trashcan.  But seriously, its just lovely to know the people you work with are there for you.

On Wednesday when I returned I was waiting for my kid by the front office.  As he got off the bus he ran right up to me and said, "Banessa, I missed you. Are you okay?".  Not only was that the cutest thing ever but he displayed empathy. That meant more to me than his adorable pronunciation of my name.  There is a huge misconception that kids with ASD do not display empathy.  It's funny because every kid I have ever worked with has crushed that myth with their kind heart a 1000 times over. Just a little food for thought.

I keep going back and forth; back and forth.  This was definitely a fighting moment for me to stay.

The Sopranos

I just finished watching the first two season of the Sopranos.  I didn't realize this show had such smart writing.  I'm glad I waited to watch it though.  I don't think I would've appreciated it when it aired. When I was younger before I really understood things I wanted to marry into the mob.  I seriously watched Goodfellas every chance I got.  The fancy lifestyle and culture of it all was very attractive to a younger me.  Now a days I wouldn't dream of it.  Aside from...you know... the murder and crime..I wouldn't dream of living a lavish lifestyle.  All I want is to help people and love everyone I come into contact.

I do kinda feel for Tony Soprano though...you can tell he's conflicted but feels he has no options.  I've been doing a lot of reading on how poverty and class can affect a person's morality.  I believe anyone can overcome obstacles and diversity but I also believe that a person's environment is in direct correlation with their behavior.  Learned behaviors are tough to unlearn...in fact behaviors can never truly stop; only be replaced.  I think personal responsibility can only go so far if the person has no sense of what the responsibility is.

I've been researching a good therapist in my area.  I really think the stress of my job is getting to me.  I find myself resentful and lacking confidence lately.  It's always been stressful situations and quite honestly the stress has always affected me in a negative way.  As of late I am more aware of how I deal with it and being more honest I realized I haven't.  I love the work I do.  I love it in the moment. I love the little milestones because even the littlest hurdle in a long path is the tallest mountain of the day.  I love all the people I have served.  Each one has taught me more about myself then I could have ever taught them.  The problem I have is because I love it so much, I mean while I am in the middle of it I am the happiest I could ever be, I don't know why it affects me so much when I'm not actively doing my job. Maybe I just think that what I do on a day to day basis doesn't have an effect on me, when really it does.  I just want to find an answer because this group of people doesn't need another person to give up on them.

All I want to do is fight the fight for the people who can't fight themselves.  I'll be devastated if I'm not strong enough.

I had a scare recently. I can't really go into detail for legality reasons.

Its all taken care of but I can't stop thinking about it.  I dedicate my life to my job and within two seconds I could have lost everything.  I understand the process; I understand its there for a reason.  I understand the concern and would never question it.

I've been thinking a lot about whether or not I want to stay on the path I'm on.  This kinda just proves that I have reasons for wanting to leave all that more prevalent.

Children

I love children. I love babies, two year olds, middle schoolers, even 17 year old know-it-alls. I've worked with every age, race, gender, and personality you can think of.

Sometimes though when I come home the thought of having to chase, interact, discipline, help, love, basically anything that exhorts energy with my hypothetical future child scares the absolute shit out of me. Like I'm talking racking my brain lose sleep kind of fear.

I know I would love my child more than anything. I know Shane would be helpful and supportive, loving and kind. But, good lord, kids suck the life out of you and I already feel like I'm 80 and on my death bed.

I've always wanted to be a mother.

My family

My friends are my family.

It's hard for people who are close to their family to understand what I mean by this. I love my family. I would give anything to be closer to my mother, dad, and sister. I would do anything for them. When I think family not only my blood family comes to mind but these people who I surround myself with often. I love each and every person in my life much more than I think they realize.

My friends are my family. I love all of them deeply. I could not function without them in my life.

a few things to remember

remind yourself  I am NOT the mother of your child. I will wind up doing things differently than the way you do things. change is difficult for everyone. give another way a chance before you "show us how you do it.". to speak quite frank and quite honestly there will come a time when you will not be able to care for your child. isn't it best to ease the transition of change why you're still able to do it. I understand having a stranger come into your home to take care of your child is a difficult situation. but trust me when I say I am here for a reason

remind yourself  I could be flipping burgers at McDonalds , or do secretarial work to earn my living. I choose to service families like yours. I choose to work through behaviors with your child, I choose to come to work every day, I choose to love your child enough to see them through the hard times. and most the time I choose to put your child before my needs and my own personal life because that's how much I love my job and that's how much I love your family.

remind yourself  even though I am a stranger if anyone can understand even a fraction of how hard it is to raise your child I am the one who can.

Where my heart lies and why its gets in the way

I am an ABA therapist. I love and serve those in need of a little extra support.  I am the person who helps those that others think are lost.  I have a heart with an unmeasurable size and I use it everyday. 

My principle of thought derives from the study of ABA, or Applied Behavior Analysis.  In a nutshell I believe that behavior is solely driven by what motivates an individual.  I believe behavior is in direct association with a consequence, or operant conditioning if you have ever taken a psychology class. I use positive reinforcement to obtain desired behaviors.  It’s hard for people to grasp what that actually means.  A quick response I always say is this, "I choose to teach an individual what they CAN do versus telling them what they should not do."  Think of it this way; if the organism has only learned a certain behavior and you want to change that behavior. Do you think telling them no, or to stop is effective if they are unaware of what else to do?  If you however teach the organism an alternative eventually that response is automatic and the undesired behavior will decrease.  Using the word, no or anything similar only gets you so far.  More times than not when the organism is faced with the decision in a similar situation down the line they will revert to their learned response.  The word no, or anything similar does not teach anything other than at that exact moment in time the response is unwanted. 

This is not rocket science.  It is, to me, simple logic. And quite frankly this logic is extremely effective and successful.  I have seen ABA do wonderful things. It however, is hard work.  It takes consistency and patience.  It is not meant to create fast results it is meant to create lasting ones.
 
A downfall to my passion in this profession: thinking that I can and should fix everything. Sometimes I need to just say to myself undesired things will happen and it is not your place to try to fix it.

I am an ABA therapist. I love and serve those in need of a little extra support.  I am the person who helps those that others think are lost.  I have a heart with an unmeasurable size and I use it everyday.