The Sopranos

I just finished watching the first two season of the Sopranos.  I didn't realize this show had such smart writing.  I'm glad I waited to watch it though.  I don't think I would've appreciated it when it aired. When I was younger before I really understood things I wanted to marry into the mob.  I seriously watched Goodfellas every chance I got.  The fancy lifestyle and culture of it all was very attractive to a younger me.  Now a days I wouldn't dream of it.  Aside from...you know... the murder and crime..I wouldn't dream of living a lavish lifestyle.  All I want is to help people and love everyone I come into contact.

I do kinda feel for Tony Soprano though...you can tell he's conflicted but feels he has no options.  I've been doing a lot of reading on how poverty and class can affect a person's morality.  I believe anyone can overcome obstacles and diversity but I also believe that a person's environment is in direct correlation with their behavior.  Learned behaviors are tough to unlearn...in fact behaviors can never truly stop; only be replaced.  I think personal responsibility can only go so far if the person has no sense of what the responsibility is.

I've been researching a good therapist in my area.  I really think the stress of my job is getting to me.  I find myself resentful and lacking confidence lately.  It's always been stressful situations and quite honestly the stress has always affected me in a negative way.  As of late I am more aware of how I deal with it and being more honest I realized I haven't.  I love the work I do.  I love it in the moment. I love the little milestones because even the littlest hurdle in a long path is the tallest mountain of the day.  I love all the people I have served.  Each one has taught me more about myself then I could have ever taught them.  The problem I have is because I love it so much, I mean while I am in the middle of it I am the happiest I could ever be, I don't know why it affects me so much when I'm not actively doing my job. Maybe I just think that what I do on a day to day basis doesn't have an effect on me, when really it does.  I just want to find an answer because this group of people doesn't need another person to give up on them.

All I want to do is fight the fight for the people who can't fight themselves.  I'll be devastated if I'm not strong enough.