I had a horrible migraine on Tuesday and one of my supervisors covered one of my kids.  No questions asked; in fact he insisted I go home. It was nice to feel that supported.  I guess it helped that I got sick all over the Asst. Principals trashcan.  But seriously, its just lovely to know the people you work with are there for you.

On Wednesday when I returned I was waiting for my kid by the front office.  As he got off the bus he ran right up to me and said, "Banessa, I missed you. Are you okay?".  Not only was that the cutest thing ever but he displayed empathy. That meant more to me than his adorable pronunciation of my name.  There is a huge misconception that kids with ASD do not display empathy.  It's funny because every kid I have ever worked with has crushed that myth with their kind heart a 1000 times over. Just a little food for thought.

I keep going back and forth; back and forth.  This was definitely a fighting moment for me to stay.

The Sopranos

I just finished watching the first two season of the Sopranos.  I didn't realize this show had such smart writing.  I'm glad I waited to watch it though.  I don't think I would've appreciated it when it aired. When I was younger before I really understood things I wanted to marry into the mob.  I seriously watched Goodfellas every chance I got.  The fancy lifestyle and culture of it all was very attractive to a younger me.  Now a days I wouldn't dream of it.  Aside from...you know... the murder and crime..I wouldn't dream of living a lavish lifestyle.  All I want is to help people and love everyone I come into contact.

I do kinda feel for Tony Soprano though...you can tell he's conflicted but feels he has no options.  I've been doing a lot of reading on how poverty and class can affect a person's morality.  I believe anyone can overcome obstacles and diversity but I also believe that a person's environment is in direct correlation with their behavior.  Learned behaviors are tough to unlearn...in fact behaviors can never truly stop; only be replaced.  I think personal responsibility can only go so far if the person has no sense of what the responsibility is.

I've been researching a good therapist in my area.  I really think the stress of my job is getting to me.  I find myself resentful and lacking confidence lately.  It's always been stressful situations and quite honestly the stress has always affected me in a negative way.  As of late I am more aware of how I deal with it and being more honest I realized I haven't.  I love the work I do.  I love it in the moment. I love the little milestones because even the littlest hurdle in a long path is the tallest mountain of the day.  I love all the people I have served.  Each one has taught me more about myself then I could have ever taught them.  The problem I have is because I love it so much, I mean while I am in the middle of it I am the happiest I could ever be, I don't know why it affects me so much when I'm not actively doing my job. Maybe I just think that what I do on a day to day basis doesn't have an effect on me, when really it does.  I just want to find an answer because this group of people doesn't need another person to give up on them.

All I want to do is fight the fight for the people who can't fight themselves.  I'll be devastated if I'm not strong enough.

I had a scare recently. I can't really go into detail for legality reasons.

Its all taken care of but I can't stop thinking about it.  I dedicate my life to my job and within two seconds I could have lost everything.  I understand the process; I understand its there for a reason.  I understand the concern and would never question it.

I've been thinking a lot about whether or not I want to stay on the path I'm on.  This kinda just proves that I have reasons for wanting to leave all that more prevalent.