Sometimes I just think about doing a job where what I do wouldn't make a difference. Where I could file papers away just as easily as I would leave my job when I clock out. 

Instead I carry my job with me wherever I go. Right now it's hours after I've been done for the day and it's well past the time I meant to fall asleep. And yet here I am going over details and data and retracing my steps. Was I proactive? Did I word that the best I could? Are the new changes effective? Why didn't I see that coming? How could I have prevented it? What do I need to differently? Maybe I should've done this? What can I change about my response for the future?....

8 hours of my life consume me. 

And all of this is nothing compared to the struggle of the lives I serve. I replay the day because it's a job to me but it's their life. It's their whole 24 hours, 7 days a week, 365 days a year for the rest of their lives. They don't get the luxury of laying in bed at night processing decisions and coming to conclusions. My job is their life. My stress and joy and tears are someone's struggle to get through the day. 

I am someone's voice and I hate when I fail them. 

Slowly but surely. Right?

I feel like some relief will come soon.  Things are on the table. I feel like I can be an advocate again.  Its a good feeling.

I feel like if my job is off kilter everything else in my world comes crashing down.  I feel so bad for the people I care for; especially Shane.  He's so supportive. I can't wait for March.

Just an update

My supervisors called me on friday...they assured me that they have my back and told me countless times not to worry.  Obviously my stress level has been noted. Its good to know they didn't ignore it and tried to assure me.

I have been obsessed with Imagine Dragons, On Top of the World.

And I know it’s hard when you’re falling down
And it’s a long way up when you hit the ground
Get up now, get up, get up now.

I'm just gonna keep on smiling. I'm determined to find what I lost.


On a different note. I can hardly wait for March 8th 2014

I had a horrible migraine on Tuesday and one of my supervisors covered one of my kids.  No questions asked; in fact he insisted I go home. It was nice to feel that supported.  I guess it helped that I got sick all over the Asst. Principals trashcan.  But seriously, its just lovely to know the people you work with are there for you.

On Wednesday when I returned I was waiting for my kid by the front office.  As he got off the bus he ran right up to me and said, "Banessa, I missed you. Are you okay?".  Not only was that the cutest thing ever but he displayed empathy. That meant more to me than his adorable pronunciation of my name.  There is a huge misconception that kids with ASD do not display empathy.  It's funny because every kid I have ever worked with has crushed that myth with their kind heart a 1000 times over. Just a little food for thought.

I keep going back and forth; back and forth.  This was definitely a fighting moment for me to stay.

The Sopranos

I just finished watching the first two season of the Sopranos.  I didn't realize this show had such smart writing.  I'm glad I waited to watch it though.  I don't think I would've appreciated it when it aired. When I was younger before I really understood things I wanted to marry into the mob.  I seriously watched Goodfellas every chance I got.  The fancy lifestyle and culture of it all was very attractive to a younger me.  Now a days I wouldn't dream of it.  Aside from...you know... the murder and crime..I wouldn't dream of living a lavish lifestyle.  All I want is to help people and love everyone I come into contact.

I do kinda feel for Tony Soprano though...you can tell he's conflicted but feels he has no options.  I've been doing a lot of reading on how poverty and class can affect a person's morality.  I believe anyone can overcome obstacles and diversity but I also believe that a person's environment is in direct correlation with their behavior.  Learned behaviors are tough to unlearn...in fact behaviors can never truly stop; only be replaced.  I think personal responsibility can only go so far if the person has no sense of what the responsibility is.

I've been researching a good therapist in my area.  I really think the stress of my job is getting to me.  I find myself resentful and lacking confidence lately.  It's always been stressful situations and quite honestly the stress has always affected me in a negative way.  As of late I am more aware of how I deal with it and being more honest I realized I haven't.  I love the work I do.  I love it in the moment. I love the little milestones because even the littlest hurdle in a long path is the tallest mountain of the day.  I love all the people I have served.  Each one has taught me more about myself then I could have ever taught them.  The problem I have is because I love it so much, I mean while I am in the middle of it I am the happiest I could ever be, I don't know why it affects me so much when I'm not actively doing my job. Maybe I just think that what I do on a day to day basis doesn't have an effect on me, when really it does.  I just want to find an answer because this group of people doesn't need another person to give up on them.

All I want to do is fight the fight for the people who can't fight themselves.  I'll be devastated if I'm not strong enough.

I had a scare recently. I can't really go into detail for legality reasons.

Its all taken care of but I can't stop thinking about it.  I dedicate my life to my job and within two seconds I could have lost everything.  I understand the process; I understand its there for a reason.  I understand the concern and would never question it.

I've been thinking a lot about whether or not I want to stay on the path I'm on.  This kinda just proves that I have reasons for wanting to leave all that more prevalent.

Children

I love children. I love babies, two year olds, middle schoolers, even 17 year old know-it-alls. I've worked with every age, race, gender, and personality you can think of.

Sometimes though when I come home the thought of having to chase, interact, discipline, help, love, basically anything that exhorts energy with my hypothetical future child scares the absolute shit out of me. Like I'm talking racking my brain lose sleep kind of fear.

I know I would love my child more than anything. I know Shane would be helpful and supportive, loving and kind. But, good lord, kids suck the life out of you and I already feel like I'm 80 and on my death bed.

I've always wanted to be a mother.